25 Sep 2011

POST #3 AND THE AWARD GOES TO......



Dhoni lead Indian cricket team gave a complete miss to the most prestigious annual cricketing function- the ICC Awards; which  sparked a new controversy in the cricketing circles!

A fuming Haroon Lorgat, the CEO of ICC blamed the BCCI for not ensuring Team India's attendance. Our sources add that Haroon Lorgat was expecting the Indian contingent to be present in full strength to cheer the already jaded Indian cricket team. Once the crowd realised that the Indian team was not attending the awards function, they quietly started leaving the hall, much to the embarrassment of Mr.Lorgat.

With hardly any people in the hall, it resembled a cinema hall where a Uday Chopra movie was running! In fact, with such a kind of hostile reaction from the crowd, we are told,  Mr. Lorgat himself started looking like Uday Chopra!


Haroon Lorgat looked as angry as Suneil Shetty usually does when his screen sister is kidnapped by the screen goons. He said it's a 'shame' that the Indian cricket team did not attend such a function!! Now Mr. Lorgat if non-attendance is a shame, then what is 4-0 whitewash at the hands of English cricket team?

Mr.Lorgat being originally from India, should have done well to remember that one has to appease the Indian cricket team and the management to make such an event  successful.  Remember what happened to the World Cup in West Indies when India bowed out in the early stages of the tournament?  In fact that year, people were so disappointed that they decided to forget their sorrows by doing something more painful! That is....watch a Tusshar Kapoor movie!! Indian fans made a beeline at the theatres for Tusshar's movie, and his films made a brisk business for a change!


With the kind of English Tour India has had for the past two months, it was a foregone conclusion that hardly any Indian team cricketers would win an award!  But win they did! The ICC 'Spirit Of Cricket Award' was lapped up by Dhoni for recalling Ian Bell at Trent Bridge after he was given out by the umpires!!. Of course, another consolation for India was Sachin Tendulkar being the only Indian cricketer to find a place in ICC Test XI of the year.

Mr Lorgat's ICC, hold your breath, appointed  Kumar Sangakara as the captain and the wicketkeeper of the ICC Test XI, when he doesn't perform both the duties for Sri Lanka!  And Mr.Nasseer Hussain, you thought  there are a couple of donkeys only in the Indian team?


Here are a few suggestions of new categories of awards for Mr.Haroon Lorgat and his team at ICC if they want team India to attend such functions:

1. The ICC Award for the best cricketer for 'SPIRIT' before and after the game: Rohit Sharma may just lose this one to Yuvraj Singh or Jesse Ryder as his broken finger cannot allow him to hold his drink properly...

2. The Best Spinner with a Fast Bowling Action: All three nominations will be from India- 1) R.Vinay Kumar  2) Munaf Patel 3) Praveen Kumar
The jury members for this award would be: 1) Venkatesh Prasad 2) Madan Lal, and 3) Mohinder Amarnath.

3. Cricketer who is Opposition's Delight: Harbhajan Singh for giving so much batting practice to the English Cricket Team in the test matches itself  that they could skip the net practice and go partying in their spare time! In fact Bell & Peterson Co. went into depression when Harbhajan was sent home.

4. The Player with the Worst Injury: Nominations are 1) Gautam Gambhir 2) Zaheer Khan 3) Sachin Tendulkar 4) Rohit Sharma and 5) Harbhajan Singh.
    Gambhir had a concussion after he had a fall and had a blurred vision which made him mistake Sreesanth for Michael Holding and on this count itself he would beat the other contenders!

5. Fastest Bowler ever to run on the field with drink bottles  without playing a single match: There are 5 nominations and would you believe, all from India?: 1) Varun Aaron  2) Varun Aaron 3) Varun Aaron 4) Varun Aaron  5) Varun Aaron


The winner in the above category will be announced by the Chairman of the Selection Committee, K. Srikanth, after online and SMS Voting and this winner is going to be the surprise package of the event!

Please try these categories Mr. Haroon Lorgat....  Even Lalit Modi won't be able to come up with such a recipe for success!! ;)

11 Sep 2011

POST # 2 CRICKI LEAKS


The team india coach Duncan Fletcher refused the media from entering the stadium where the Indian cricket team was having its net practice. The speculations were set at rest when we learnt  that Duncan had a brilliant masterplan  on the lines of  Operation Jugaad to stop the English juggernaut!   Despite the heavy security and Duncan guarding his masterplan, like Chanderpaul guarding his wicket, we managed to sneak in. We managed to get this juicy bit leaked to us  and since it would get lost in the Mayawati - Assange leaks, and their verbal duel, we decided to publish it exclusively here with a little delay. The way  team India is playing, Mayawati's footwear is bound to make more news than the footwork of the Indian batsmen which was displayed in abundance when they walked back to the pavillion!

After the thrashing recived by the Indian cricket tem at the hands of English team, Duncky had no option but to think out of the box else the BCCI threatened him of  replacing him with  Mohinder Amarnath, as the  team India coach despite the fact that he does not even know how to use a laptop!! This would be like replacing Katrina Kaif with Poonam Pandey!  And this seems to have prompted Duncky to come up with this bizzare masterplan.

The strategy of Prof. Duncan is  to confuse the English cricket team with the little known attributes of our players. Duncan calls the trio of Munaf-Praveen-Vinay,  the 150 kmph club. The reason being that the aggregate bowling speed of the pace trio  is 150 kmph as opposed to Varun Aaron's  tearaway pace of 151 kmph. Now you know why Aaron is not selected?  According to Duncan, Vinay Kumar's pace will be the surprise packet. Now, if  you call Vinay Kumar, a fast bowler, then Tusshar Kapoor is  Leonardo Di Caprio!! The ploy is to give Vinay Kumar the new ball and confuse the English Batsmen. How? With his fastest delivery being slower than Shane Warne's flipper, Alaistair Cook will be confused whether to hit him for a four or a six! On the other hand, Keiswetter will be at his wit's end whether to clobber Vinay Kumar out of the ground or out of the stadium. Now the plot thickens here. There would be a mini contest among the english batsman to see who has the maximum distance hit and this dilemma could result in couple of wickets in the powerplay itself.  Amazing Duncan!

Munaf Patel could be the second joker in the pack. (no pun intended). It seems after Jonty Rhodes was appointed as a fielding coach by the Mumbai Indians, he managed to reform everybody and raise their fitness and agility including that of  team owner Mukesh Ambani. (Haven't we seen how swiftly Mukesh bhai jumped from the chair to cheer when Tendulkar hit a boundary in IPL-4?) Of course Nita ben signalled him when to cheer and when not to!  We are told that Mukesh bhai's cricketing knowledge is as good as Michael Holding's Urdu!

 Jonty has not been able to award the "Rhodes' scholarship to Munaf as he just refuses to improve. Don't we remember   Munaf  busy  chatting with the support staff when the entire team was doing the victoy lap after we won the 2011 World cup?  Duncan has this ace up his sleeveless sweater. The moment Munaf runs in to bowl, he can only evoke one reaction-Laughter!!. Imagine Ravi Bopara and Ian Bell hurting their jaws laughing at the leisurely  run up of Munaf which would make Vajpayee faster than Usain Bolt! Apart from hurting their jaws, laughing at this sight, there is every possibility of their jaws getting locked in the helmet visors which may rule them out of the next fixture. And if we get lucky the English batsmen may even get abdominal cramps holding their tummies laughing at Munaf!!.  Brilliant Duncan sir! Just too good!

In fact, Duncan also replaced, all the tracks from Munaf's i-pod with one track, "Bhag DK Bose", from Delhi Belly and made him play it  in a  continuous mode and Munaf has been asked not to believe  Amir khan when he says DK Bose is just a name. Munaf has beeen specifically advised not to search for the real meaning in the song  but to listen to the track.   Duncan is confident that this "Bose DK" track is bound to improve Munaf and would help him to run in faster!!  Rahul Dravid will be introduced as a pinch hitter. This would be like  Shyam Benegal doing a Dabaang with Om puri as Chulbul Pandey.  In fact the three succesive sixes  he hit in one over  in his debut T20 match has taken his overall international tally of sixes,  to 5. This piece of statistics comes from our statistician, who was returning from Mallya's late night party and readers are advised to check the record books.  Ravinder Jadeja has not been given a special brief but has been asked to be himself fielding close-in.  The looks of Jadeja would  by itself   act as an irritant for the english batsmen thereby resulting in lapses in concentration! Duncan you are a dada!!

By the time the 5th ODI is played Dhoni, Viraat, Ashwin would abandon the tour citing injuries to prepare themselves for The Champions Trophy.  Ajinkya Rahane is likely to be the captain, Parthiv the wicketkeeper, Joginder Sharma would get a recall and may spearhead the bowling attack and team India's fastest bowler Varun Aaron would be running on the field with drinks bottles!!  Duncan you are fabulous!!