11 Sep 2013

POST #29: BCCI ATTEMPTS TO INVITE BERMUDA, CANADA TO ENABLE SACHIN TO SCORE HEAVILY IN HIS 200th TEST MATCH.

Sachin Tendulkar's dipping form, and his recovery from surgery has created enough doubts in the minds of the cricket fans whether he will actually be able to get big runs on the tour of South Africa facing Dale Steyn &co

The BCCI (Board of Control for Cricket in India) on the other hand has left no stone unturned to ensure that Sachin gets to play his 200th Test Match in India and what's more, get some big scores too by squeezing in the India -West indies series to be played in India.

Before choosing a weaker West Indies bowling attack, we learnt that BCCI had pondered over other options too.

First,the BCCI prevailed upon ICC to award Bermuda a Test match status so that they could play a series against India which may have allowed Sachin to get to the ever elusive Test score of 300 and above.

BCCI had  also ensured that the portly Dwayne Leverock resigned from international cricket as they didn't want Leverock to display that sporadic brilliance when he caught Robin Uthhappa in that World Cup 2007 match.

Pic courtesy:i.telegraph.uk

Also under consideration was elevation of Team Canada to a Test Status. With names like Ashish Bagai and Balaji Rao would make Sachin extremely comfortable as if he was playing in Ranji and maybe score some big runs.

There have been mixed reactions to this announcement of the series against the West Indies with some  die hard Sachin fans saying this entire exercise would be a blot on the illustrious career of Sachin. 

On the other hand an ex official of the CBFS (Cricketers' Benefit Fund Series) in Sharjah said that this is a novel way of granting a benefit match for a player who is still playing and it may start a  whole  trend worldwide.

Meanwhile the fans of Lata Mangueshkar in  Mumbai staged a "dharna" outside the Yashraj Films Studios shouting slogans against Aditya Chopra for dropping Latadidi from "Jab Tak hai Jaan". The delegation also urged Aditya Chopra to take a leaf out of the BCCI's book and ask Rohit Shetty to make a film to enable Lata to sing in the background when the Boleros and Scorpios get blown away.

To express outrage, fans of Lata made effigies of Aditya Chopra and Uday Chopra and burnt the effigy of the former. However, the fans decided not to burn the effigy of Uday Chopra as they thought that his  unburnt effigy had a potential of creating more damage.


Pic courtesy:www.satic.ibnlive.in.com

MNS (Maharashtra Navnirman Sena) is demanding that Sachin's 200th Test match be played in Mumbai at the Wankhede and not at the Motera or the Eden Gardens. There was news that the MNS chief Shri Raj Thackrey had demanded 1000 free  tickets to his workers. 

Nidhi Razdan condemned this act by Raj Thackrey and went on to break it on the Prime time that her channel had information that MNS were offering  20% discount on stadium tickets to the  locals. She alleged discrimination and said that why MNS was demanding discounts only for the locals when Sachin had fans all over the country.

Later it was discovered  that the discount of 20% which was offered, was actually by the clothing giant M&S (Marks and Spencer) and not MNS.

Nidhi Razdan was not available for comments as she was busy preparing for a chat show against Modi.

This post was published  with minor changes by "The Unreal Times" 

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Not intended to be derisive. Comments are not real. Fun intended.
No outrage please.

9 Sep 2013

Post # 28:Parents of school kids panic on inclusion of Wasim Akram in the English commentary team

(This post was written for "The Unreal Times" and was published on June 12, 2013)

Like a Rohit Sharma innings, every summer vacation comes to an end just when you start enjoying it the most. Even as school kids reluctantly drag themselves to school with the same enthusiasm that Munaf Patel exhibits while marking his run up, parents are grappling with a far bigger headache: Wasim Akram’s English commentary for the ongoing Champion’s Trophy and its pernicious effect on their children’s life-long struggle to gain mastery over the English language.

Worried mothers have shot off letters to the Star Cricket broadcasting team, raising grave concerns over the repercussions of Akram’s commentary on their children’s linguistic skills. Speaking to The UnReal Times, a disturbed father of one school kid from Delhi said, “Struggling to speak in English as opposed to Hinglish is one thing, now kids will ape Wasim as well, who commands great influence over impressionable Indians. After all, he has more fans in Mumbai than in all of Pakistan.”
He recounted an incident in which Akram, during commentary, meant to say that the youngsters in the Indian team should put their hands up and be counted but ended up saying “If I was in their place, I would say ‘Hands up’” instead. A teacher from one of Mumbai’s prestigious schools showed us the answer sheets of her students, with answers such as “3 orange” and “5 apple”. She said that the students insisted that it was correct usage since they have often heard the former fast bowler say, “Pakistan is playing with 4 fast bowler (sic)”. On condition of anonymity, a parent from Hyderabad said that his kids have started spelling “here” as “hair” and “there” as “their”, arguing that this is the way Wasim bhai pronounces it.
To compound matters, Wasim has also forayed into the world of mathematics with comments like “three overs to go, after this two” leading to deteriorating arithmetic skills in fourth-graders. A delegation of parents has already approached the channel bosses who have agreed to shift Wasim to the time-slot when children are studying or sleeping, much like the directive of the Ministry of Information and Broadcasting to broadcast the movie “The Dirty Picture” during the 11pm slot.  In the interim, they have said that they have no alternative but to lock their children in their bedrooms while Wasim is on air.  Kapil Dev’s post-match analysis in Hindi has ensured strict curfews as well, with children being put to sleep since Kapil always speaks in English when he is asked any questions in Hindi, the sources added.
Meanwhile, the sales of TV sets with “channel locks” have shot up to record levels, said a beaming TV dealer in Delhi.

26 May 2013

POST # 27 SANJAY LEELA BHANSALI TO RE-RELEASE "SAWARIYA' IN THE WAKE OF THE SPOT-FIXING SCANDAL

While the spot fixing scandal has almost signaled an end to the cricket careers of the trio of Rajasthan Royals, many perceive it as a business opportunity. It has been alleged by the Delhi Police that there were specific signals from the players to the bookies indicating in which over spot fixing would take place, such as Sreesanth tucking a towel in his trousers.

Pic courtesy: static.ibnlive.in

Suddenly the demand for Towels seems to have gone up like Gayle’s strike rate. Solapur, which is known as the "Manchester of Maharashtra" famous for its textile manufacturing has suddenly witnessed a spurt in demand that the manufacturers cannot cope up with. We met Mr. Salvi, a Towel manufacturer from Solapur and he said, "The demand is unprecedented. Now I know what Glenn Maxwell must have felt like after the IPL 6 auctions".
Our sources tell us that there is a tremendous demand for towels from Kerala, the State where Sreesanth hails from. In fact, in some shops in Kochi, towels are marketed as "Sreesanth Towels" with a placard stating "Fixed Rates".

Joining this towel rage, Sanjay Leela Bhansali, the director of a dud called Saawariya has decided to re-release the film, featuring Ranbir Kapoor doing a towel jig on  "Jab se tere naina". "The towel has more expressions than Sonam Kapoor" said Mr. Bhansali, pressing the chewing gum under his tongue. The producers of Ajab Prem ki Gajab Kahani are also following the footsteps of Sanjay Leela Bhansali as Ranbir had also strutted in a towel in that film.
pic courtesy:gallery.oneindia.in

Not the one to be left out, Aditya Chopra has decided to do a remix of "Mere Khwabo Mein Jo Aaye" from Dilwale Dulhaniya le Jaayenge with Kajol wrapped in a towel (blue coloured this time) to cash on the popularity of Rajasthan Royals and include the song in the movie. 

Pic Courtesy:25.media.tublr.com

"This should surely allow us to recover the losses we suffered from Jab Tak Hai Jaan " said Aditya Chopra.

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Interviews are not real. Not meant to be derisive. Fun intended. No outrage please.

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25 May 2013

POST # 26: INSPIRED BY 'PEPSI BLUE', PUNE TO INTRODUCE BLUE CHIWDA

In what could be termed as a radical marketing gimmick, Pune based manufacturers and traders are offering great offers this IPL in support of the Warriors. More than the win against Rajasthan Royals on April 11th 2013, the fact that Ashoke Dinda conceded only 4 runs in the 19th over is largely thought to be one of the greatest moments in the history of the IPL.
Chivda
Punekars do not want to be reminded of
the  CSK jersey colour.


To celebrate the occasion the ‘raddiwallas’ of Sadashiv Peth promptly announced that they would be paying Re 1/- extra on a kilogram of raddi which led to a minor stampede in the area with some people selling newspapers borrowed from their unsuspecting neighbours.
One of the traders attributed Dinda’s success to his having given up wearing his trademark headband. Dennis Lillie was Dinda’s inspiration behind wearing a headband – that he looked and bowled like Rumesh Ratnayake is a different story.
Dinda’s moment of glory, however, paled in comparison to Pune defeating Chennai in their own den. To snub the Chennai Super Kings the, the members of the Pune “Chiwda” lobby said after this success Pune can no longer manufacture chiwda flakes with their typical yellow colouring, which would be an insult to their team.
Pepsi Blue
Pepsi blue

In an informal meeting held between some manufacturers of “Chiwda” outside a restaurant on FC road over 2 cups of tea shared by 10, it was decided to change the colour of Chiwda flakes from ‘yellow’ to “blue”.
One of the manufacturers of “Chiwda” was questioned by our team. One of them answered our question with a question: “When Pepsi came up with “Pepsi Blue” during one of the previous editions of the ODI World Cups, you did not object. Why now?” He also said like “paandhra rassa” (white gravy) from Kolhapur, the “neela chiwda”(blue chiwda) will be a hit.
STOP PRESS: After Gayle’s innings against Pune, the plans of ‘Blue Chiwda’ have been deferred until further announcement.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Not intended to be derisive. Interviews are not real. Fun intended. No outrage please.

Follow us on twitter: https://twitter.com/TheGoanPatiala
This post was first featured on My Faking News

22 May 2013

Post #25: Sachin Tendulkar consults Markandey Katju on post-retirement plans


In what seems to be an unprecedented move, India’s batting maestro Sachin Tendulkar today approached the PCI chief and former Judge of Supreme Court in connection with his post retirement plans.
Sachin, who retired from the ODI format of the game, now plays only Test matches and rumours were rife that the Kotla Test against Australia in which Australia suffered a whitewash could be Sachin’s last Test in India – considering that the next Test match India would play was about 8 months away.
Sachin had discussions with Katju on various aspects of post retirement, varying from whether it would dent his popularity, endorsement deals etc.

(pic courtesy:thehindu.com)
Markandey Katju has come up with novel ideas to keep Sachin’s popularity graph point northwards, and make sure that his income stays intact.
Our sources tell us that Justice Katju advised that immediately post retirement Sachin should make a statement that 90% of the cricketers are idiots -This should keep the Twitterati busy for the next 3 days , said Katju banging his fist on the “Mimansa” book, as if to drive home the point.
Further Justice Katju has asked Sachin to go after the BCCI chief and India Cements head honcho N. Srinivasan, and assured him that the success of Indian team and Chennai Super Kings is nowhere related to N. Srinivasan.
Katju we heard, went one step ahead and asked Sachin to accuse N. Srinivasan that though the CSK has many laurels to show he should point out the instances of malnutrition in the team. To prove his point Sachin should present the photographs of Subramanyam Badrinath and Wriddhiman Saha. This should give give Sachin an extended run till IPL 2015 said Katju, painstakingly pulling his ear hair.
Katju warned Sachin that though these were the “easy” options to keep his name in the news, he should not lose sight of crucial issues plaguing the Indian team today. It was now up to Sachin to impress upon the mind of the selection committee that it had to exercise its extraordinary powers and pardon Sehwag for poor hand eye co-ordination.

(pic courtesy: rediff.com)
For this Katju advised Sachin to start a blog ” Satyam Brutus” wherein Sachin should write an open letter to the Chairman of the Selection Committee to pardon him and bring Sehwag back into the team for the following reasons:
1) That Sehwag is married and that has scored 2 triple Centuries.
2) That Sehwag has suffered a lot in the last 3 years, like suffering Ravindra Jadeja in dressing room, diminishing vision and receeding hairline etc.
3) That Sehwag ki maa has started a major mobile revolution with those Reliance mobile commercials.
Sachin, we are told that he is completely impressed by Katju”s advice. He had only one on-record comment for the press who met him as he exited the PCI premises: ” I met 2 great individuals in my life. Vinod Kambli at the begining of my career and Justice Katju at the fag end of it”.

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This post was first featured on My Faking News



3 Mar 2013

POST #23: RARE QUOTES ON DHONI'S DOUBLE

MS Dhoni's 224 vs Australia in the Chennai Test was the innings everyone was talking about.  Here are a few quotes we heard;



(pic courtesy: www.thehindubusinessline.com)



VIRENDER SEHWAG: "Isme bada kya hai? Maine to 200 one day me mara tha"

GAUTAM GAMBHIR: "Thank god I wasn't in the team. Facing Dale Steyn would have been easier than applauding Dhoni from  the pavillion."

BHUVANESHWAR KUMAR: "Dhoni carried the game on his own shoulders, shielding me from the quickies. Now I exactly know what it feels to be like Reitesh Deshmukh"

MANDIRA BEDI: "I would have loved it if he had scored a double in one dayer or IPL. He looks damn hot when he bats in blue or yellow but not in whites."

SUNIL GAVASKAR: "I really loved the way Sachin timed his shots. He silenced his critics as well. Sachin still showed he has a lot of cricket left in him. Dhoni chipped in with some 200 odd runs or something."

SUSHIL KUMAR SHINDE:. "We had information that Dhoni would explode but we didnt have specific information he would do so in Chennai."

DIGVIJAY SINGH: "Yes I agree with Shinde that what happened in the Chennai Test was  Hindu terror. He has not withdrawn the statement."

ABHIJEET MUKHERJEE: "That innings by Dhoni dented the confidence of Australians and people who painted wrong picture of his.  Wait.. I aplosize."

S.P TYAGI: "I loved the Chopper.....I mean the Helicopter shot he plays."

RAVINDRA JADEJA: "I have been there, done that. Only in domestic cricket though"

NITIN GADKARI: "The Dosa was mind blowing." 

AN INDIAN PLAYER ON A CONDITION OF ANNONYMITY: "The more time the skipper spent in the middle, the more we had to suffer Ravindra Jadeja in the dressing room"

JAVED AKTHAR:  "Bhuvaneshwar Kumar's contribution in the partnership with Dhoni  reminds me of Salim Khan's contribution to our team of yesteryears; "SALIM-JAVED"

MOHINDER AMARNATH: "I didnt watch. I disconnected my cable connection when he was in his eighties."

MEIRA KUMAR: `smiles

MICHAEL CLARKE: "With Harbhajan in the Indian team, at least two batsmen from our side were expected to score double centuries."

FOOTBALL LOVER, GOA: "I normally don't like Cricket but i watched this entire match after someone told me that Moises Henriques, is actually Portuguese born."

DISCLAIMER: All the quotes above are not  real. Not intended to be derisive. Fun intended

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17 Feb 2013

POST # 22: 10 THINGS ABOUT RAVINDRA JADEJA YOU NEVER WANTED TO KNOW



At around the same time in 2009, when the world learnt about the Swine flu, India witnessed a major epidemic called Ravindra Jadeja. He, who would later go on to torment everybody connected with cricket except his opponents.

Here are a few things about Ravindra Jadeja you wouldn't care to know.

1.  They say opportunity does not knock twice. With Ravindra Jadeja the opportunity stares into his video door phone camera and pleads with him to let her in

2.   Ravinder Jadeja may change his hairstyle,sunglasses or  tattoos every season but what remains unchanged is the expression of someone who has drunk a glass of beer and found a snail at the bottom.


pic courtesy:cric-news.blogspot.in

3. Ravindra Jadeja loves to watch Kevin Pieterson batting videos minutely before zeroing down on his tattoo designs and getting one for himself. Much like the cabbies in Goa who put the 3 pointed Mercedes Star on their Maruti Van tailgates.

4. The Audi which caught fire last month at the Bandra Worli Sea link wasn't an accident. Investigations  revealed that the owner of the car discovered that even Ravindra Jadeja owned the same brand of car..

5. A cricket writer mysteriously disappeared and search for him has been rendered futile. Sources say his last words were "Ravinder Jadeja is the Indian Gary Sobers"

6.  The only time Ravindra Jadeja has  earned the  coveted "orange cap" in the IPL was when he played one season for, "Kochi Tuskers Kerala". The colour of the team cap was orange then.


pic courtesy: timesofindia.indiatimes.com

7.   In Ranchi ODI, though the 3 english batsmen were dismissed for 0, the England scorecard displayed four   zeroes.

 Keiswetter....0
,Patel............0 
 Dernbach......0 

And RAVINDRA JADEJA...who dismissed these 3.


8.    Kochi replaced Shirdi as the miracle tourist destination.after Ravindra Jadeja scored 61 off just 37 deliveries.

9.   If twitter reduces the 140 characters limit to 14, Ravinder Jadeja will be the least affected. 
       Sample some of his tweets and you'll know why

              "Found a snake @ my farmhouse!. eeeeee!!".

        We were told that the last expression was of the snake after it spotted Jadeja.

       The following tweet not only shows his excitement of going for a movie but also his taste in films.

.               "Gng for Movie Race 2. Yipee"
.       
         Jadeja was there for Race 2. He was also there in the Indian team when Raaz 2, Jism 2 happened. 
         He will also be there in the Indian team when Murder 14 and Dhoom 6, will be released.

10.   People all over the  world prefer Jadeja as a batsman than as a bowler.
       The Sweet mart owner in  Saurashtra explained the reason behind it

              "Its because when he bats, the helmet covers his face most of the time"

       Once Poonam Pandey asked some of the cricketers whether they liked women with thin legs or fat legs,. Dhoni said he loves women with fat legs, Dravid said he loves women with thin legs.

Jadeja said he prefered something in between.

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Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. Not intended to be derisive. Interviews are not real. Fun intended. No outrage please